Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
