I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
