W. C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

— W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

— W. C. Fields

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

— W. C. Fields

I'm searching for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

— W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

— W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.

— W. C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

— W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

— W. C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

— W. C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

— W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

— W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

— W. C. Fields

“I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her…

— W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle…

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

— W. C. Fields

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

— W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

— W. C. Fields

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but…

— W. C. Fields

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again…

— W. C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not…

— W. C. Fields

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a…

— W. C. Fields

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her…

— W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some…

— W. C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to…

— W. C. Fields

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the…

— W. C. Fields

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is…

— W. C. Fields

You can't cheat an honest man.

— W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

— W. C. Fields

The best thing to break is a contract.

— W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.

— W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.

— W. C. Fields

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

— W. C. Fields

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

— W. C. Fields