W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

— W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

— W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

— W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

— W. C. Fields

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a…

— W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

— W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

— W. C. Fields

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

— W. C. Fields

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy…

— W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves.

— W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

— W. C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all…

— W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

— W. C. Fields

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass…

— W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

— W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got…

— W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out…

— W. C. Fields

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I…

— W. C. Fields

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

— W. C. Fields

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is…

— W. C. Fields

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

— W. C. Fields

No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog…

— W. C. Fields