The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man!… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
