What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
