To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
