I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
