I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
