I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not"… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
