Cents Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"”

Mitch Hedberg

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Cents Commitment Funny Half Humor Mess Packs Pops Saws Sells Six Six pack Six packs Soda Soda pop Thinking

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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

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I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

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I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

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I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

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Explore all 405 Mitch Hedberg quotes

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Ninety nine per cent of the time, for anyone who wins or makes money, it makes them happy.

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...that in spite of living in a mansion an American is not above wearing a pair of secondhand pants, bought for fifty cents.

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I have earned every cent. And in all of my years of public life I have never obstructed justice,

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If every country committed to spending 0.05 per cent of GDP on researching non-carbon-emitting energy technologies, that would cost $25 billion a year, and…

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