Mitch Hedberg

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

— Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

— Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

— Mitch Hedberg

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

— Mitch Hedberg

Then let's print up some flyers!

— Mitch Hedberg

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

— Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

— Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

— Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

— Mitch Hedberg

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do…

— Mitch Hedberg

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two…

— Mitch Hedberg

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would…

— Mitch Hedberg

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow…

— Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm…

— Mitch Hedberg

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into…

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!…

— Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…

— Mitch Hedberg

You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what…

— Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear…

— Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can…

— Mitch Hedberg

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far…

— Mitch Hedberg

I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask…

— Mitch Hedberg

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and…

— Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling…

— Mitch Hedberg

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I…

— Mitch Hedberg

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

— Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

— Mitch Hedberg