I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
