I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
