Inspirational Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

— Mitch Hedberg

We don't have to fix anything.

— Mitch Hedberg

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

— Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

— Mitch Hedberg

Then let's print up some flyers!

— Mitch Hedberg

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

— Mitch Hedberg

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

— Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

— Mitch Hedberg

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

— Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

— Mitch Hedberg

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

— Mitch Hedberg

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

— Mitch Hedberg

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

— Mitch Hedberg

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then…

— Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

— Mitch Hedberg