I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
