I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
