Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Well, the American public always wanted to vote for a guy and Bush was the perfect guy who they'd want… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Karl Rove described Obama as "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini, and making snide comments… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Which is why I'd like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11? — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo - those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
All I'm saying, as a fan, is I'm tired of the same song for 30 years. Can't we change the message a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I’m supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You're either a rationalist, or you're not. And the good news is a recent poll found 20% of adults under 30 say… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
