Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?' — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio—you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Republicans don't have to accept evolution, economics, climatology, or human sexuality, but I just watched a week of their national convention, and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Which is why I'd like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
![“I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than we killed during the weeks we were at war there.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/40c/bill-maher-211_civilians_i-would-wager-that-the-number-of-civilia_3067117.jpg)
![“The [Libyan] rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know.” quote by Bill Maher](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a1c/bill-maher-211_america_the-libyan-rebels-this-week-kind-of-hint_1095970.jpg)
