Bill Maher

“He sold Syria way better than he sold this.”

— Bill Maher

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

— Bill Maher

“You just got your nerd credentials back.”

— Bill Maher

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

— Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection.

— Bill Maher

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...

— Bill Maher

“You don't need a weapon to protect yourself.”

— Bill Maher

Abstinence is a perversion.

— Bill Maher

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider. And Also FOX News makes people stupider.

— Bill Maher

Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.

— Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

— Bill Maher

“Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.”

— Bill Maher

Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'?

— Bill Maher

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

— Bill Maher

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

— Bill Maher

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

— Bill Maher

In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of…

— Bill Maher

“Mohamed Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.”

— Bill Maher

I think Democrats are complacent. They think that Russia is going to save us. Bob Mueller is going to come in with…

— Bill Maher

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full…

— Bill Maher

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling…

— Bill Maher

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

— Bill Maher

Theyre talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place thats used by ten or more people in a week, which, I…

— Bill Maher

Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know,…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's…

— Bill Maher

I think there is a problem, though, with the media gushing over [Obama] too much. I don't think he thinks that he's…

— Bill Maher

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing.…

— Bill Maher

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got…

— Bill Maher

I'm more likely to not invite someone back for not talking. If someone talks a lot, I can usually shut them up…

— Bill Maher

Many people can't deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone.…

— Bill Maher

African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw…

— Bill Maher

I said something recently about how the president [Barak Obama] should stop trying to placate the crazies and the right wing and…

— Bill Maher

People do not want to be disillusioned by the new president [Barak Obama]. The liberals felt, finally, this is our time. Now…

— Bill Maher

People, especially the liberals, just live in this world where if anything is said that offends anybody even a little bit, not…

— Bill Maher

It's a good time to say "Oh" and take stock and say, "Gee, how was I ethically this year?" That's the problem…

— Bill Maher

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes…

— Bill Maher

“A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of…

— Bill Maher

“New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he…

— Bill Maher

New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you…

— Bill Maher

When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic…

— Bill Maher