“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word "liberal," they also have to take back the word "elite." By now… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.” — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars , then you have to change your name… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
