“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when a bank… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
