Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would! — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“So you're a comedian," he said. "Tell me something funny." "Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
