Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You want to do something a little bit meaningful, because we're not saving the planet or anything, but we want to contribute… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
![“I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.” quote by Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/a0c/chelsea-handler-887_barbara_i-don-t-want-to-be-oprah-winfrey-i-m-not_709761.jpg)
![“It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.” quote by Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/0a8/chelsea-handler-887_children_it-s-also-a-terrible-kind-of-sentiment-r_3015475.jpg)
