I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
