I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think when I envisioned my documentaries, what I wanted to do when I left, I had no business doing those documentaries.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
