It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month? — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would! — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
