That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
![“That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump]…” quote by Chelsea Handler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/184/chelsea-handler-887_air_that-just-sends-the-wrong-message-to-eve_2910105.jpg)
