Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

— Chelsea Handler

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.…

— Chelsea Handler

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a…

— Chelsea Handler

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island…

— Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If…

— Chelsea Handler

“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister,…

— Chelsea Handler

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if…

— Chelsea Handler

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a…

— Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

— Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth.…

— Chelsea Handler

“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”

— Chelsea Handler

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want…

— Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put…

— Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,…

— Chelsea Handler

“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive…

— Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

— Chelsea Handler

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

— Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

— Chelsea Handler

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his…

— Chelsea Handler

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

— Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I…

— Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go…

— Chelsea Handler

“If it comes easy...Take it twice”

— Chelsea Handler

“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also…

— Chelsea Handler