I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
