For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
The earliest stand-up comedy I was aware of was Bill Cosby. I watched Saturday Night Live as soon as I was aware… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
