Louis C. K

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and…

— Louis C. K

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what…

— Louis C. K

I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is…

— Louis C. K

“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away.…

— Louis C. K

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

— Louis C. K

I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.

— Louis C. K

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that,…

— Louis C. K

“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on…

— Louis C. K

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find…

— Louis C. K

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can…

— Louis C. K

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

— Louis C. K

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm…

— Louis C. K

There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !

— Louis C. K

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they…

— Louis C. K

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

— Louis C. K

I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman,…

— Louis C. K

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

— Louis C. K

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all…

— Louis C. K

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them.

— Louis C. K

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact…

— Louis C. K

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing…

— Louis C. K

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

— Louis C. K

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will…

— Louis C. K

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

— Louis C. K

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

— Louis C. K