I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.'… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
