Comedy Quotes by Brian Regan

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

— Brian Regan

I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing…

— Brian Regan

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about…

— Brian Regan

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and…

— Brian Regan

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like…

— Brian Regan

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig!…

— Brian Regan

I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by…

— Brian Regan

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make…

— Brian Regan

I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians…

— Brian Regan

The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you…

— Brian Regan

I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it…

— Brian Regan

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.…

— Brian Regan

I'm capable offstage of having some dark, twisted thoughts but the kind of things I like to do onstage are just more…

— Brian Regan

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's…

— Brian Regan

Every comedian works differently. Some comedians might do just observational stuff and they don't do anything personal, and other people.. everything they…

— Brian Regan

Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel…

— Brian Regan

“is there any I could get a glass of water?" [waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying…

— Brian Regan

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote…

— Brian Regan

Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has…

— Brian Regan

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have…

— Brian Regan

The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my…

— Brian Regan

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything…

— Brian Regan

Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a…

— Brian Regan

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of…

— Brian Regan

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

— Brian Regan

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up…

— Brian Regan

Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge. But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Let's use…

— Brian Regan

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do…

— Brian Regan

I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm…

— Brian Regan

“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance…

— Brian Regan

I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle…

— Brian Regan

If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it.…

— Brian Regan

The only way I'd want to do something in television would be if it was about how I think as a comedian.…

— Brian Regan