Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
