Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of -… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
