After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month! — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '...You better move it… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
![“Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/0a4/jim-gaffigan-580_combat_stand-up-used-to-be-much-more-of-a-form_3009726.jpg)
![“I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David…” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/181/jim-gaffigan-580_calculations_i-think-comedians-get-too-much-credit-or_2220899.jpg)
