I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I never understood those commercials with the parents celebrating the end of summer. Now I understand that around mid-August, all the summer… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t ready for the guilt of being a parent. I was raised Catholic, so guilt is a familiar friend. Guilt is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“personal goals and activities that were of interest before joining the group. • Members [parents] are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
