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Life Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

17 Life quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Life quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

Jim Gaffigan turns everyday moments into laugh‑out‑loud observations, and his thoughts on life are no exception. In seventeen short quips you’ll hear his signature dead‑pan delivery, perfect for anyone who enjoys comedy that feels both relatable and slightly absurd.

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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

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You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

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Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

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I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who…

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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I…

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I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the…

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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind…

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What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll…

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“We take pictures of everyday life and act like we are capturing history. “Unbelievable! The cat is asleep.”

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The ridiculousness and idiocy of life is embraced and examined. It nurtures the childhood perspective in everyone.

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There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it.…

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“I’m not offended, but the implication that all improper behavior is the result of what I do for a living is rather…

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“So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me…

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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,…

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I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I…

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

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“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

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I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

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Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

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“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

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“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

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“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

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Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

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