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Love Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

14 Love quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Love quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

If you’ve ever chuckled at love’s oddities, you’ll feel right at home here. Jim Gaffigan’s bite‑size jokes strip away the melodrama, exposing the everyday absurdities of affection. In just a handful of lines, his comedic timing shines, making this a light‑hearted pit stop for anyone needing a grin about matters of the heart.

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Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

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Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

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You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

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Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

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Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see…

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I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and…

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This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,…

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You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,…

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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

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“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

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I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

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Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

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“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

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“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

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“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

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Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

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