I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
