Food Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

— Jim Gaffigan

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

— Jim Gaffigan

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

— Jim Gaffigan

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

— Jim Gaffigan

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

— Jim Gaffigan

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

— Jim Gaffigan

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

— Jim Gaffigan

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

— Jim Gaffigan

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

— Jim Gaffigan

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

— Jim Gaffigan

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in…

— Jim Gaffigan

When you hear bacon cooking…that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking…that's applause.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest…

— Jim Gaffigan

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze…

— Jim Gaffigan

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of,…

— Jim Gaffigan

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take…

— Jim Gaffigan

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always…

— Jim Gaffigan

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. So I feel…

— Jim Gaffigan

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a…

— Jim Gaffigan

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're…

— Jim Gaffigan

“I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan…

— Jim Gaffigan

I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about…

— Jim Gaffigan

“That time period is clearly a season of holidays. A holiday season. No matter what faith you belong to or what tradition…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Chicago deep dish takes forever to cook and costs as much as four New York–style pizzas. Chicago deep dish is a commitment.…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

— Jim Gaffigan

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

— Jim Gaffigan

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

— Jim Gaffigan

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

— Jim Gaffigan

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

— Jim Gaffigan

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

— Jim Gaffigan

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

— Jim Gaffigan

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

— Jim Gaffigan

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

— Jim Gaffigan

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

— Jim Gaffigan

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat…

— Jim Gaffigan

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

— Jim Gaffigan