Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
