Humor Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

— Jim Gaffigan

Cancer is always funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

I just want to be known as funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

— Jim Gaffigan

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

— Jim Gaffigan

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

— Jim Gaffigan

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

— Jim Gaffigan

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

— Jim Gaffigan

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his…

— Jim Gaffigan

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this…

— Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

— Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

— Jim Gaffigan

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

— Jim Gaffigan

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I…

— Jim Gaffigan

“You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is…

— Jim Gaffigan

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze…

— Jim Gaffigan

You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of -…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like,…

— Jim Gaffigan

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at…

— Jim Gaffigan

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my…

— Jim Gaffigan

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take…

— Jim Gaffigan

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching…

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled…

— Jim Gaffigan

I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,…

— Jim Gaffigan

"You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '...You better move it…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking…

— Jim Gaffigan

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never…

— Jim Gaffigan

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

— Jim Gaffigan

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With…

— Jim Gaffigan

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

— Jim Gaffigan

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but…

— Jim Gaffigan