Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
"I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of -… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
