I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know what’s not funny? Funny bones. No, at best they are only mildly amusing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When traveling, most people want fast and safe. But if slow and dangerous is your thing, have you considered a hot-air balloon?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
