Humor Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?”

— Jarod Kintz

“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.”

— Jarod Kintz

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then Ill gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

— Jarod Kintz

“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.”

— Jarod Kintz

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

— Jarod Kintz

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

— Jarod Kintz

“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.”

— Jarod Kintz

A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.

— Jarod Kintz

“Yesterday I played a round of golf. I just kept hitting the ball in circles, but never getting it in the circles…

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the…

— Jarod Kintz

“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest…

— Jarod Kintz

“When traveling, most people want fast and safe. But if slow and dangerous is your thing, have you considered a hot-air balloon?”

— Jarod Kintz

“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,…

— Jarod Kintz

“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation…

— Jarod Kintz

“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is…

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I…

— Jarod Kintz

“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend…

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold…

— Jarod Kintz

“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived…

— Jarod Kintz

“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and…

— Jarod Kintz

“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”

— Jarod Kintz

“Secure victory before you celebrate. Only a fool dances before crossing the finish line first.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.”

— Jarod Kintz

“You know what’s not funny? Funny bones. No, at best they are only mildly amusing.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“I own an Opinion Farm. I give away my produce for FREE.”

— Jarod Kintz

The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short.

— Jarod Kintz

Im at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. Im standing on the board right now.

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined…

— Jarod Kintz

“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers…

— Jarod Kintz

“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in…

— Jarod Kintz

“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat…

— Jarod Kintz