Humor Quotes by Josh Stern

“People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls”

— Josh Stern

“Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth”

— Josh Stern

“I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first”

— Josh Stern

“Don't take me under your wing and tell me that scent is duck sauce”

— Josh Stern

“If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried”

— josh stern

“I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free”

— josh stern

“All great discoveries are made by opening up the changing room door”

— Josh Stern

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

— Josh Stern

“Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen…..Treat me like a queen and off with your head”

— Josh Stern

“You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds”

— Josh Stern

“Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette”

— Josh Stern

“It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real…

— Josh Stern

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame”

— Josh Stern

“When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time”

— Josh Stern

“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to…

— Josh Stern

“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

— Josh Stern

“Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to…

— josh stern

“If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator”

— Josh Stern

“Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of”

— Josh Stern

“To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it”

— Josh Stern

“Never borrow trouble, the payback's a bitch”

— Josh Stern

“If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse”

— Josh Stern

“I'd rather be a nodding acquaintance, than a bobble head”

— Josh Stern

“Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other?”

— Josh Stern

“I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers”

— Josh Stern

“Don't be so hard on yourself…that's what a loofah's for”

— Josh Stern

“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”

— Josh Stern

“An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet”

— Josh Stern

“I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!”

— Josh Stern

“True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner”

— Josh Stern

“Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort”

— Josh Stern

“Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack”

— Josh Stern

“Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard”

— Josh Stern

“I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing…”

— Josh Stern

“Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them”

— Josh Stern

“If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up”

— Josh Stern

“Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity”

— Josh Stern

“You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order”

— Josh Stern

“If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane”

— Josh Stern

“Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea”

— Josh Stern