Humor Quotes by Steven Wright

I had my coat hangers spayed.

— Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

— Steven Wright

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

— Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

— Steven Wright

A fool and his money are soon partying.

— Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

— Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually.

— Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.

— Steven Wright

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

— Steven Wright

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

— Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

— Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

— Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

— Steven Wright

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

— Steven Wright

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

— Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

— Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.…

— Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

— Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

— Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll…

— Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what…

— Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted…

— Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow…

— Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

— Steven Wright

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me…

— Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the…

— Steven Wright

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing…

— Steven Wright

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way…

— Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He…

— Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you…

— Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,…

— Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just…

— Steven Wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I…

— Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.

— Steven Wright

A metaphor is like a simile.

— Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

— Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

— Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

— Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally.

— Steven Wright

I took a baby shower.

— Steven Wright