Humor Quotes by Steven Wright · Page 6

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

— Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

— Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.

— Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.

— Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

— Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

— Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.…

— Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's…

— Steven Wright

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

— Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

— Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help…

— Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

— Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .…

— Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

— Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He…

— Steven Wright

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

— Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

— Steven Wright

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

— Steven Wright

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

— Steven Wright

“If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.”

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.…

— Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

— Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

— Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

— Steven Wright