Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.” — steven wright Copy Share Image
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
