I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
