Humor Quotes by Steven Wright · Page 4

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

— Steven Wright

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

— Steven Wright

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

— Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

— Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

— Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

— Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you…

— Steven Wright

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

— Steven Wright

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

— Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath…

— Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

— Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

— Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

— Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

— Steven Wright

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

— Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

— Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

— Steven Wright

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

— Steven Wright

“If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.”

— Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

— Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

— Steven Wright

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

— Steven Wright

“You cant have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

— Steven Wright

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

— Steven Wright

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

— Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

— Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester.

— Steven Wright

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

— Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

— Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

— Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

— Steven Wright

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

— Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do…

— Steven Wright

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

— Steven Wright