If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
