Humor Quotes by Steven Wright · Page 2

Do fish get cramps after eating?

— Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what?

— Steven Wright

I lost a button hole.

— Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

— Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

— Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

— Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

— Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

— Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

— Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

— Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

— Steven Wright

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

— Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

— Steven Wright

“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”

— Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

— Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he…

— Steven Wright

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and…

— Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.…

— Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front…

— Steven Wright

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

— Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

— Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

— Steven Wright

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got…

— Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to…

— Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped…

— Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I…

— Steven Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are…

— Steven Wright

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why…

— Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the…

— Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.…

— Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

— Steven Wright

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

— Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

— Steven Wright

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

— Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

— Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

— Steven Wright

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

— Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

— Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

— Steven Wright

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

— Steven Wright